4F15, Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment

Springfield Elementary
Bart: You sure look stupid in that green dress Lis.
Lisa:
That's funny, I don't feel stupid.
Bart: Hey everybody is wearing green. Oh no!
Everybody starts pinching him.
Everybody: Pinch, pinch, pinch!
Nelson: It's St. Patrick's day, looser.
Bart: Au quit it!
Milhouse: Thanks for not wearing any green Bart!
Lisa: No one's pinching his legs!

Outside Moe's Tavern
Homer: Ahhhh. It's been St. Patrick's day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet. Oh It's never gonna be nine o'clock.
Homer:
Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. WE would like to come in and drink pleas.
Lenny: We kicked down the backdoor, but then there was a metaldoor.
Moe:
  Alright, listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [two men raise their hands]
Moe: Beat it!  I got no room for cheap skates.  
 
Channel 6's announcer booth
Kent: Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon.  Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.
 
St. Patrick's Day parade
Police officer:
Move along now. Nothing to see here.  Show's over, folks.
 
Marge: Parades just brings out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement
Bart: Mom, can I go and buy one of those long plastic horns?
Marge: Oh Bart. We've bought thouse before and you always just throw them out the car window on the ride home.
Bart: I get bored with them. But that won't happen this time.
Marge: Hrmf

As more Irish floats move by, Bart goes through the crowd with his novelty horn being a pest.  Some guys climb into Kent Brockman's announcer booth and begin to behave noticeably drunk, asking slurred questions and getting into fist fights.

 
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for.  All this drinking, violence, destruction of property.  Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
 
Just then, a float designed with a huge book entitled "The Drunken  Irish Novelists of Springfield" goes by.  The marshals of the float hop off their float and get into a fight with the crowd of drunks. The building "John Bull's Fish & Chips" explodes and everyone cheers. The entire crowd is fighting while intoxicated.  Bart tries to move his way through the crowd when a Duff barrel float moves by.  An Irish woman is spraying fountains of beer across the crowd.  Everyone opens their mouths to get even more drunk, but the beer winds up aimed at Bart's novelty horn. Bart drinks the gallons of liquor and becomes totally smashed.  ("*Burp!*")
Apu: Everybody get naked!
Kirk responds: Why not?  This party's just getting started! 
Elderly woman: Stop the celebration that young boy is drunk!
Young boys: Hurray Bart! Yeh!
 
Moe's Tavern 
Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.
Everyone is laughing
Moe: Hey Homer! Ain't that your kid on tv?
Bart on tv: What are YOU looking at?
Brockman on tv: "What are  you  looking at?"--the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll  tell you what we're looking at, young man: A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.  
 
At home...
Bart: I'm going down to Moe's for a couple of beers.
Homer: I'll come with you.
Marge: No!  No more drinking!  I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
Brockman on tv: But what's the solution? Are we so barracks of ideas that we must 
Homer: Prohibition. puh! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work. I predict this is the last we'll be hearing about prohibition.
 
At City Hall 
Everyone: We want prohibition! We want prohibition!
Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol.  It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism. Helen Lovejoy: Ohh!!  Won't somebody please think of the children??
Maude Flanders: What kinda example are we setting?
Cheif Wiggum: Ladies pleas. All our founding fathers,
astronauts and world series heros have been either drunk or on cocaine.
Old man: Ehhh wait look here. Seems like there has been a prohibition law on the blokes in Springfield for 200 years. There's also a law requirering ducks to wear long pants.
Quimby: Wait a minute let me see that. Well I'll be damned: Long pants. 
 
Conclusively, the breaking of the prohibition law will result in a catapulting.
The Springfield Shopper headlines "Alcohol Prohibited In Springfield." Pull out to find the newspaper in the hand of an unconscious Homer. Moe and Barney too have fainted as a result of reading the headline. Even Dr. Hibbert's wife has fainted over the news.
[End of Act One.  Time: 5:22]  

The press witnesses barrels of Duff Beer being dumped into a ditch. The onlooking crowd cheers.  The owner of Duff believes people will still drink Duff's non-alcoholic beer just for its taste, not the alcohol.  So, introducing Duff Zero.  But only thirty minutes after Zero's debut, Duff goes out of business.


Moe's Pet Shop
Homer takes a walk to Moe's Tavern now know as Moe's Pet Shop.
Narrator: Dateline:  Springfield.  With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slogan was shattered by its noisy neighbor, the Speakeasy.
Homer: Glad you're finally back in business Moe.
Moe: Yeah that was a scary couple of hours.
Moe's beer supply is coming from Fat Tony's mob, which is just slipping by slack-off cops Lou and Eddie -- using the almighty dollar.
Fat Tony:
You didn't see nothing.
Eddie:
I don't know why people are always badmouthing the Mafia.
Moe's "Pet Store" is getting hot, with swinging, sleazy jazz music going on and guys and gals dancing like there's no tomorrow.  The party is interrupted when the women who moved for prohibition step in.
Old Lady: SO!
Chief Wiggum: Oh geese! This looks bad. Better turns on the old Wiggum charm.
Helen Lovejoy: ahh PERVERT!
Chief Wiggum: Oh Boy! That sounded bad.
At City Hall...
Helen Lovejoy:
We demand that you bring in a Police Chief that will enforce the prohibition law.
Quimby:
  Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! 
Assistant: Uh, election in November. Election in November... 
Quimby: What?? Again?? This stupid country

U.S. Treasury Department
Narrator: With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters:  Rex Banner.
Out of the U.S. Treasury Department walks a tough-as-nails, no nonsense man dressed in a 1920s era fed suit.  Rex reads a telegram from Mayor Quimby reading "Springfield Needs You!"  Another telegram from his mother reads "Rexy, Daisy Had Puppies!"  

Police Station 
Rex Banner rushes inn, destroys the tv and kicks Wiggum out of the chair he is sitting in.
Wiggum: Hey! I was watching that and I was sitting there!
Banner: Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out. Suspended indefinitely.
Banner:
  Well, what are you waiting for?  Somebody to kiss you goodbye?
Wiggum: Well... no, no, no... I guess not
Narrator: Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippy tearing into a lobster.
Rex seems more dedicated to the prohibition law than the traffic ones, as he's built a large wall in the middle of the freeway to prevent the bootlegging mob from getting through. But a truck crashes into the wall, causing the cars behind it to crash into each other.
Rex supervises the cops, shooting holes into beer barrels.  Fat Tony is taking one last crack at bribing Rex.

Fat Tony: How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here.
Banner: Hey...this is nice! No!  No bribes!
Fat Tony: Okay. You win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroine.
Banner:  See that you do!  

At home
Homer: At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. Without beer, prohibition doesn't work!
Chief Wiggum happens by the Simpsons' kitchen window
Wiggum: Hey can I arrest any of you people for anything?
Homer: No.
Wiggum: Ah geese. I don't have anything to do anymore.
With Banner around alcohol and crime are history in this town and so am I.
Homer: Now don't say that! Alcohol is a way of life. Alcohol is my way of life and I aim to keep it.
Wiggum: Sounds like you have a plan.
Homer: Mabey I do. Mabey I do.

Homer: Come on, boy!  Think of a plan!
Bart: I'm trying, Dad!
Brockman: Kent Brockman, at the now-closed Duff bottling plant, where a mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil.
Barney, the mysterious person, lays a flower down beside the  plant and belches
Homer: I got it! We're going out Marge. If we don't come back avenge our deaths.
Marge: Alrigth.

At the Springfield Dump, Homer and Bart dig up the barrels of Duff. Homer swears Bart to secrecy, then they load the barrels in a traveling compartment and drive off.  Bart and Homer are immediately caught by Rex, so they take a detour into a cemetery, knocking over gravestones.
 
Bart: Dad!  Knocking over gravestones is bad luck!
Homer:  Really?  I heard good.
 
They successfully throw off the police and drive home to Marge.
 
Marge: What happened to you Homer?  And what have you done to the car?
Homer: Nothing.
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before!  You're living in the past, Marge!  Quit living in the past!  
 
Marge carries a laundry basket up to the laundry room. But the door has a few multi-lingual signs for "Do Not Enter."  Bart and Homer walk out carrying six bowling balls.
 
Homer: Gone bowling. Not back, avenge death.
Marge: Why do you have so many bowling balls?  
Homer:
Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long,
 
At the Bowlarama, Homer bowls another of the many gutter balls he's been throwing.
 
Bart: Another gutter ball.  Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!
Homer: Yeah.  Suck like a fox! 
He's been bowling gutter balls because the balls with corks in them have been rolling down into an elaborate pipe trail leading to Moe's tavern. Inside the balls is beer.

At Moe's
Moe:
Here you go Barn' That'll be $45.
Barney:
$45? Well this better be the best tasting beer in the world. You got lucky!

Back at the Bowlarama
Homer: See boy! The real money is in bootlegging, not in your childish
vandalism.
Bart: So many wasted nights.

Some restaurant
Lou, Eddie and Rex are at an ice cream parlor.
Eddie: What's the matter chief?
Lou: Yeah! You have barely touched your "Banana Ka-Boom".
Banner: THis isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.

Rex Shows them a newspaper that says: "Beer Baron Beats Banner." A sloshed Barney staggers past the window of the parlor and starts slurring some gibberish at the cops.  Rex punches through the glass of the window and grabs Barney by the shirt.
Banner: Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
Barney: Yes...?

At Home
Another night of bootlegging is underway, but Marge and Lisa catch Homer and Bart in the act.  Homer shrieks and drops the wheelbarrow of beer bowling balls, which all spill onto the carpet.  Marge learns the truth, and Homer explains his elaborate plan.  Surprisingly, Marge compliments Homer on having such a clever idea.  Lisa is shocked. Marge doesn't care, since he's just breaking a "silly two hundred year old law."  Homer sweet-talks Marge by showing her the money he's made from the bootlegging. Lisa voices her objections, and everyone yells at her to go to her room.
 

At Moe's
Another night of swinging jazz music and sleazy dancing at Moe's. Again interrupted.  This time by Rex and his army of police men.  Moe slides open the peep slide of his door to see a raid.  He reaches for a lever, pulls it and starts stalling with Rex as the bar slowly changes into a pet shop facade.  Moe signals everyone to put their beer glasses behind their backs.
 
Banner: Pet shop, eh?  Well, I just have one question.  What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 am?
Moe: Um...doh...Duh best damn pet shop in town!
Everyone: YEAH!
Banner: Alright. But you people remember; Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up! Let's go boys.
Moe changes the facade, but Barney is all torn up and covered with black goo.
Barney: Oh! Those gears down there really hurt!

Rex overlooks the town of Springfield, musing.
Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron!  And I'll find you.
Homer:  [distant, barely audible] No you won't!
Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: Won't!
 
 [End of Act Two. Time:     14:40]  
 
Narrator: Dateline:Springfield. The elusive beer baron continues to thumb his nose at the authorities.  Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, 'Look at me, Rex Banner!  I have a new hat!'

At Home
Homer: Hey boy get cracking. Moe just ordered 20 balls for the night.
Bart: ehh dad.
Homer: Call me Beer Baron.
Bart:
All the beer from the barrels are gone, Beer Baron. We're out of business.
Homer: But I can't be out of beer. I'm THE BEER BARON. 
Moe coming in: Homer my costumers are sobering up and they ain't gonna stikk around for the ambience. You gotta get me more beer.
Homer. Sorry I'm all out. Oh how about some turpentine? or caulk? delicious caulk.
Moe: Find it, buy it, make it, I don't care just get me some booze and fast.
Homer: Make it ehh?
 
At the Houseware Warehouse, Homer asks to buy forty two bathtubs. The clerk tries to offer him a deal of fifty for $3000. Indignantly, Homer says, "I said forty two!"
Things have gotten out of hand now.  There are bathtubs in the cellar full of different kinds of booze.
Lisa: Now you're making your own booze. That's even more illegal then what you were doing before.
Homer: Remember honey. We're just breaking a silly 200-year old law. We're patriots, just like all those people in jail.
 
A bowling ball of smuggled booze arrives at Moe's, just in time to save Moe from impatient men staring at Moe expectantly.  Moe calls out, "Who wants a bathtub Mint Julep?"  Some pioneer-dressed men raise their hands.  
 
On the street
Rex, Lou and Eddie stand on the sidewalk when Ned Flanders is approached by Rex.
Banner:  Are you the beer baron??
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt- diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Banner: He's not the baron, but he sounds drunk.  Take him in.
 
The Comic Book Guy walks by, and Banner begins to interrogate him.
 
Banner: Are you the beer baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night.  By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major Metropolitan newspaper.
Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy:Tubby?  Oh yes, tubby.
 
Rex is too busy harassing Comic Book Guy to notice Homer and Bart nonchalantly strolling by with booze ingredients in a wagon.
Homer: Hey Banner how's it hanging?
Banner: None of your business.

At home
Back in the laundry room, Homer and Bart are distilling more booze when a still explodes.
Marge: What on Earth happened down there??
Bart: One of the stills b... [Homer puts his hand over Bart's mouth]
Homer: Nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner.
Explosion noises emanate from out of the Simpsons' house.  Homer  keeps pretending that he's making the noises, but Marge isn't buying. Marge tells him that he's had his fun and made his money, so he should just quit while he's ahead.  Homer goes off to check on his exploding liquor.  A massive explosion takes place and Homer starts screaming. Marge goes outside to see Homer on fire.  Homer rolls around on the front lawn to put himself out.  
Homer: I've thought about what you've said, honey, and I've decided to quit.  

Homer walks down the street fondling his money when Chief Wiggum steps out in front of him in a torn up police suit and pyjama pants threatening with a trigger-less gun.  He sold the trigger and most of the handle to feed his family.  He threatens to throw the gun at Homer if he doesn't give in, but Homer is more sympathetic than scared. Homer decides to come up with a plan to get Wiggum his job back and make him look better than Rex Banner.  

Rex gives a press conference in which he reports that the flow of  illegal liquor has ended.
Rex Banner: I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liqour seems to have dried off. Public drunken has asseased and those mysterious liqour clouds over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People! Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol. 
Everyone: Hurray!!!!
Someone: What about the beer baron?
Banner: I suspect he was just an invention of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable [starts a sickly laughter that sounds like a spasm] Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.
Kent breaks through with alarming news:  We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed that former Policechief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.
Lenny: They've captured Homer?
With no worries at all, Homer stands next to Chief Wiggum as the press eats up Wiggum's exposure of Homer's elaborate scheme inside the laundry room. Marge compliments Homer on what he did for Wiggum.
Marge: But what's going to happen to you?
Homer: Oh, probably just a slap on the wrists.
Cut to a tied up Homer, who has been loaded into a catapult.  The old man who discovered the prohibition law reads the official punishment: "...And he who shall violate this law shall be punished by catapult." Homer glares at Wiggum.  "Last time I help you!"  Wiggum thought he'd just get a fine or at the most three to four years of jail.
 
 
Since the catapult is two centuries old, Rex Banner wants it to be tested.  A cat is put into the catapult and launched yards into the air.  Marge intervenes.  Marge explains that the law is dumb and it restricts Springfieldians' freedom, the freedom to drink.  Rex argues that we can't choose what laws we obey, but his (quite valid) argument is halted when Wiggum orders Eddie to "send him back to Mama."  Rex accidentally stepped into the catapult, and Eddie pulls the lever, causing him to be catapulted.
This entire mess was pointless, because as it turns out, the rest of the parchment decrees that the law was repealed one hundred and ninety nine years ago.  Quimby gives a released Homer an apology and asks him when he will be able to flood the town with booze.  "I'm not in that business anymore," replies Homer.  But Fat Tony tells Quimby, "Four minutes."
So, five minutes later, everyone's drunk as a skunk.
 
Narrator: And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield!  We wish you the very best!
 
Homer, standing on a hill of beer kegs, calls a toast: To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
 
 
[End of Act Three.  Time:   21:18]
 
Thanks to SNPP for parts of this script and to Frinkian for the framegrabs.