| 4F15, Homer
vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
You sure look stupid in that green dress Lis.
That's funny, I don't feel stupid.
Bart: Hey everybody is wearing green. Oh
Everybody starts pinching him.
Pinch, pinch, pinch!
Nelson: It's St. Patrick's day, looser.
Bart: Au quit it!
Milhouse: Thanks for not wearing any green Bart!
No one's pinching his legs!
Outside Moe's Tavern
Ahhhh. It's been St. Patrick's day for hours and I'm still not
drunk yet. Oh It's never gonna be nine o'clock.
Homer: Moe! Moe! Thank God you're here. WE would like
to come in and drink pleas.
Lenny: We kicked down the backdoor, but then there
was a metaldoor.
Alright, listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of
Where are the designated drivers?
[two men raise their hands]
Beat it! I got no
room for cheap skates.
6's announcer booth
Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon.
Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone
is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the
Patrick's Day parade
officer: Move along
now. Nothing to see here.
Show's over, folks.
Parades just brings out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement
Bart: Mom, can I go and buy one of those long plastic
Oh Bart. We've bought thouse before and you always just throw
them out the car window on the ride home.
Bart: I get bored with them. But that won't happen
more Irish floats move by, Bart goes through the crowd with his
novelty horn being a pest.
Some guys climb into Kent Brockman's announcer booth and
begin to behave noticeably drunk, asking slurred questions and getting
into fist fights.
Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is
a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for.
All this drinking, violence, destruction of property.
Are these the things we think of when we
of the Irish?
then, a float designed with a huge book entitled "The Drunken
Irish Novelists of Springfield" goes by.
The marshals of the float hop off their float and get into
a fight with the crowd of drunks.
The building "John
Bull's Fish & Chips" explodes and everyone cheers.
The entire crowd is fighting while intoxicated.
Bart tries to move
his way through the crowd
when a Duff barrel float moves by.
woman is spraying fountains of beer
across the crowd. Everyone
mouths to get even more drunk, but the beer winds up aimed at
Bart's novelty horn. Bart drinks the gallons of liquor and
becomes totally smashed.
Everybody get naked!
Why not? This party's
just getting started!
Elderly woman: Stop the celebration that young boy
Young boys: Hurray Bart! Yeh!
Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.
Hey Homer! Ain't that your kid on tv?
Bart on tv: What are YOU looking at?
on tv: "What are you looking at?"--the
innocent words of a drunken
child. Well, I'll tell
you what we're looking at, young
man: A town gone mad.
A town whose very conscious was
washed away in a tide
of beer and green vomit.
I'm going down to Moe's for a couple of beers.
Homer: I'll come with you.
No more drinking!
I'm tired of looking like the world's
- Homer: Oh,
honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about
freezer lady in Georgia?
Brockman on tv: But what's the solution? Are we so barracks
of ideas that we must
Homer: Prohibition. puh! They tried that in the movies and it
didn't work. I predict this is the last we'll be hearing about
- Everyone: We
want prohibition! We want prohibition!
You can't seriously want to ban alcohol.
makes women appear more attractive, and makes a
virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Won't somebody please think of the children??
Maude Flanders: What kinda example are we setting?
Cheif Wiggum: Ladies pleas. All our founding fathers,
and world series heros have been either drunk or on cocaine.
Old man: Ehhh wait look here. Seems like there has been
a prohibition law on the blokes in Springfield for 200 years.
There's also a law requirering ducks to wear long pants.
Quimby: Wait a minute let me see that. Well I'll
be damned: Long pants.
the breaking of the prohibition law will result in a
Springfield Shopper headlines "Alcohol Prohibited In
Springfield." Pull out to find the newspaper in the
hand of an
Moe and Barney too have fainted as a result of
the headline. Even Dr.
Hibbert's wife has fainted over the
of Act One. Time:
press witnesses barrels of Duff Beer being dumped into a ditch.
The onlooking crowd cheers.
The owner of Duff believes people will
still drink Duff's
non-alcoholic beer just for its taste, not the alcohol.
So, introducing Duff Zero.
But only thirty minutes after Zero's debut, Duff goes out
Moe's Pet Shop
takes a walk to Moe's Tavern now know as Moe's Pet Shop.
With prohibition back in force,
slogan was shattered by its noisy
neighbor, the Speakeasy.
Homer: Glad you're finally back in business Moe.
Moe: Yeah that was a scary couple of hours.
beer supply is coming from Fat Tony's mob, which is just
slipping by slack-off cops Lou and Eddie -- using the almighty
Fat Tony: You didn't see nothing.
Eddie: I don't know why people are always badmouthing
"Pet Store" is getting hot, with swinging, sleazy jazz
going on and guys and gals dancing like there's
no tomorrow. The
party is interrupted when the women who
moved for prohibition step in.
Old Lady: SO!
Chief Wiggum: Oh geese! This looks bad. Better turns
on the old Wiggum charm.
Helen Lovejoy: ahh PERVERT!
Chief Wiggum: Oh Boy! That sounded bad.
Helen Lovejoy: We demand that you bring in a Police
Chief that will enforce the prohibition law.
are you to demand anything? I run this
just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Assistant: Uh, election in November. Election in
Quimby: What?? Again??
U.S. Treasury Department
Out of the U.S. Treasury Department walks a tough-as-nails, no
With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield
sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot
the gangsters: Rex
nonsense man dressed in a 1920s era fed suit.
Rex reads a telegram
from Mayor Quimby reading "Springfield
Needs You!" Another
from his mother reads "Rexy, Daisy Had Puppies!"
- Rex Banner rushes inn, destroys
the tv and kicks Wiggum out of the chair he is sitting in.
Hey! I was watching that and I was sitting there!
Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum, you're out.
what are you waiting for?
Somebody to kiss you
- Wiggum: Well...
no, no, no... I guess not
no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippy
tearing into a lobster.
dedicated to the prohibition law than the traffic
ones, as he's built
a large wall in the middle of the freeway
to prevent the bootlegging
mob from getting through. But
a truck crashes into the wall, causing
the cars behind it
to crash into each other.
supervises the cops, shooting holes into beer barrels.
is taking one last crack at bribing Rex.
How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken
Hey...this is nice! No!
Okay. You win. From
now on, we'll stick to smuggling
- Banner: See
that you do!
At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were
more and having a lot more fun. Without
beer, prohibition doesn't
Wiggum happens by the Simpsons' kitchen window
Wiggum: Hey can I arrest any of you people for anything?
Wiggum: Ah geese. I don't have anything to do anymore.
With Banner around alcohol and crime are history in this town and
so am I.
Homer: Now don't say that! Alcohol is a way of life. Alcohol
is my way of life and I aim to keep it.
Wiggum: Sounds like you have a plan.
Homer: Mabey I do. Mabey I do.
on, boy! Think of a
Kent Brockman, at the now-closed Duff bottling plant, where a
mysterious person in black keeps a solitary vigil.
Barney, the mysterious person, lays a flower down beside the
plant and belches
I got it! We're going out Marge. If we don't come back avenge
the Springfield Dump, Homer and Bart dig up the barrels of Duff.
Homer swears Bart to secrecy, then they load the barrels in a traveling
compartment and drive off.
Bart and Homer are immediately
caught by Rex, so they
take a detour into a cemetery, knocking over
Knocking over gravestones is bad luck!
successfully throw off the police and drive home to Marge.
- Marge: What
happened to you Homer? And
what have you done to the
- Homer: Nothing.
- Marge: I
don't think it had broken axles before.
- Homer: Before,
before! You're living
in the past, Marge! Quit
living in the past!
carries a laundry basket up to the laundry room.
But the door
has a few multi-lingual signs for "Do
Not Enter." Bart
and Homer walk
out carrying six bowling balls.
Gone bowling. Not
back, avenge death.
Why do you have so many bowling balls?
Homer: Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So
the Bowlarama, Homer bowls another of the many gutter balls he's
Another gutter ball.
Gee, Homer, you
sure do suck tonight!
- Homer: Yeah.
Suck like a fox!
been bowling gutter balls because
the balls with corks
in them have been rolling down into an
trail leading to Moe's tavern.
Inside the balls is
you go Barn' That'll be $45.
Barney: $45? Well this better be the best tasting beer in
the world. You got lucky!
Back at the Bowlarama
Homer: See boy! The real money is in bootlegging, not
in your childish vandalism.
Bart: So many wasted nights.
rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple Where'd
Lou, Eddie and Rex are at an ice cream parlor.
Eddie: What's the matter chief?
Lou: Yeah! You have barely touched your
Banner: THis isn't a very happy birthday for Rex Banner.
Rex Shows them a newspaper that says: "Beer
Baron Beats Banner."
A sloshed Barney staggers past the
window of the parlor and starts
slurring some gibberish at
the cops. Rex punches
through the glass of
the window and grabs Barney by the shirt.
the hooch? Is some blind
tiger jerking suds on the
Another night of bootlegging is underway, but Marge and Lisa catch
Homer and Bart in the act.
Homer shrieks and drops the wheelbarrow of
balls, which all spill onto the carpet.
Marge learns the
truth, and Homer explains his elaborate
Homer on having such a clever idea.
Lisa is shocked.
Marge doesn't care, since he's just
breaking a "silly two hundred year
Homer sweet-talks Marge by showing her the money he's made
from the bootlegging. Lisa
voices her objections, and everyone yells
at her to go to
Another night of swinging jazz music and sleazy dancing at Moe's.
Again interrupted. This
time by Rex and his army
of police men. Moe
slides open the peep slide of his door to see a raid.
He reaches for
a lever, pulls it and starts stalling
with Rex as the bar slowly
changes into a pet shop facade.
Moe signals everyone to put their
beer glasses behind
- Banner: Pet
shop, eh? Well, I
just have one question.
What kind of
pet shop is filled with rambunctious
yahoos and hot jazz
music at 1 am?Moe: Um...doh...Duh
best damn pet shop in town!
Banner: Alright. But you people remember; Baby turtles and alligators
may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up! Let's go
changes the facade, but Barney is all torn up and
with black goo.
Barney: Oh! Those gears down there really hurt!
Rex overlooks the town of Springfield, musing.
- Banner: You're
out there somewhere, Beer Baron!
And I'll find you.
- Homer: [distant,
barely audible] No you won't!
- Banner: Yes,
- Homer: Won't!
of Act Two. Time:
elusive beer baron continues to thumb
his nose at the authorities.
Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he
say, 'Look at me, Rex Banner!
I have a new hat!'
Homer: Hey boy get cracking. Moe just ordered 20
balls for the night.
Bart: ehh dad.
Homer: Call me Beer Baron.
the beer from the barrels are gone, Beer Baron. We're out of business.
Homer: But I can't be out of beer. I'm THE BEER
Moe coming in: Homer my costumers are sobering up
and they ain't gonna stikk around for the ambience. You gotta
get me more beer.
Homer. Sorry I'm all out. Oh how about some turpentine?
or caulk? delicious caulk.
Moe: Find it, buy it, make it, I don't care just
get me some booze and fast.
Homer: Make it ehh?
the Houseware Warehouse, Homer asks to buy forty two bathtubs.
The clerk tries to offer him a deal of fifty for $3000.
Homer says, "I said forty two!"
have gotten out of hand
now. There are bathtubs
in the cellar full of different kinds of booze.
Lisa: Now you're
making your own booze. That's even more illegal then what you
were doing before.
Remember honey. We're just breaking a silly 200-year old law.
We're patriots, just like all those people in jail.
bowling ball of smuggled booze arrives at Moe's, just in time
save Moe from impatient men staring at Moe expectantly.
out, "Who wants a bathtub Mint Julep?"
Some pioneer-dressed men raise
- On the street
Lou and Eddie stand on the sidewalk when Ned Flanders is
approached by Rex.
- Banner: Are
you the beer baron??
if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-
- Banner: He's
not the baron, but he sounds drunk.
Take him in.
Comic Book Guy walks by, and Banner begins to interrogate him.
you the beer baron?
Book Guy: Yes,
but only by night. By
day, I'm a mild-mannered
reporter for a major Metropolitan
crack wise with me, tubby!
Oh yes, tubby.
is too busy harassing Comic Book Guy to notice Homer and Bart
nonchalantly strolling by with booze ingredients in a wagon.
Homer: Hey Banner how's it hanging?
Banner: None of your business.
lawn to put himself out.
in the laundry room, Homer and Bart are distilling more booze
when a still explodes.
What on Earth happened down there??
of the stills b...
[Homer puts his hand over Bart's mouth]Homer:
Nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had
noises emanate from out of the Simpsons' house.
keeps pretending that he's making the
noises, but Marge isn't buying.
Marge tells him that he's
had his fun and made his money, so he should
just quit while
he's ahead. Homer
goes off to check on his exploding
A massive explosion takes place and Homer starts screaming.
Marge goes outside to see Homer on fire.
Homer rolls around on the
thought about what you've said, honey, and I've decided to quit.
walks down the street fondling his money when Chief Wiggum
steps out in front of him in a torn up police suit and pyjama pants
threatening with a trigger-less gun.
He sold the trigger and most of
the handle to feed his
family. He threatens
to throw the gun at Homer
if he doesn't give in, but Homer
is more sympathetic than scared.
Homer decides to come up with
a plan to get Wiggum his job back and
make him look better
than Rex Banner.
gives a press conference in which he reports that the flow of
illegal liquor has ended.
Banner: I'm happy to report that the flow of illegal liqour
seems to have dried off. Public drunken has asseased and those
mysterious liqour clouds over Evergreen Terrace are gone. People!
Rex Banner has won your war against alcohol.
Someone: What about the beer baron?
Banner: I suspect he was just an invention of the
media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my
very nose is laughable [starts a sickly laughter that sounds like
a spasm] Well,
you all know what laughter sounds like.
breaks through with alarming news:
We now go live to Evergreen Terrace where I'm informed that former
Policechief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron.
Lenny: They've captured Homer?
no worries at all, Homer stands next to Chief Wiggum as the
press eats up Wiggum's exposure of Homer's elaborate scheme inside
laundry room. Marge compliments Homer on what he did
what's going to happen to you?
Homer: Oh, probably just a slap on the
to a tied up Homer, who has been loaded into a catapult.
man who discovered the prohibition law reads
the official punishment:
"...And he who shall violate
this law shall be punished by catapult."
at Wiggum. "Last
time I help you!"
Wiggum thought he'd
just get a fine or at the most
three to four years of jail.
the catapult is two centuries old, Rex Banner
wants it to be
A cat is put into the catapult and launched yards into
explains that the law is dumb and it
freedom, the freedom to drink.
we can't choose what laws we obey, but his (quite valid) argument
is halted when Wiggum orders Eddie to "send him back
to Mama." Rex
accidentally stepped into the catapult, and Eddie pulls the lever,
causing him to be catapulted.
entire mess was pointless, because as it turns out, the rest of
the parchment decrees that the law was repealed one hundred and
nine years ago.
Quimby gives a released Homer an apology and asks him
when he will be able to flood the town with booze.
"I'm not in that
business anymore," replies
Homer. But Fat Tony
tells Quimby, "Four
five minutes later, everyone's drunk as a skunk.
And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in
a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor.
We wish you the very best!
standing on a hill of beer kegs, calls a toast: To
The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
of Act Three. Time: